SPD's Bee-In 2011

Spelling bee king and queen Kevin Killian and Sylvia Brownrigg

	Click here to read Evan Karp's report of the night in SF Weekly.

SPD Bad Poetry Contest: Worst Use of the Exclamation Point in a Poem

SPD's AWP BAD POEM CONTEST
1st Prize Winner: Samuel Amadon
Category: Worst Use of the Exclamation Point in a Poem

No Shift

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SPD Bad Poetry Contest: Worse Poem Wherein the Title of the Poem Is Longer than the Poem

SPD's AWP BAD POEM CONTEST
1st Prize Winner: Thierry Brunet
Category: Worse Poem Wherein the Title of the Poem Is Longer than the Poem

Bracelets, Carillons, Chignons, Coaches, Crinolines, Croissants, Crystal Chandeliers, Brioches, Diamonds, Deception, Etiquette, Fragrance, Genuflection, Gentry, Intrigue, Marquis, Neckerchief, Necklace, Polka, Violins and Waltz.

(Or how the nonchalant commandant had a wickedly dangerous fascination for the newest debutante in town.)

A poem about love and tintinnabulum.


Belle Marjorie Chenonwett's arrival in London has already caused somewhat of a stir.

Orange liqueur,

And enamored Monsieur.

How she missed the minarets of Monastir.

SPD Bad Poetry Contest: Worst Political Limerick

SPD's AWP BAD POEM CONTEST
1st Prize Winner: Jim Maughn & Jessica Breheny
Category: Worst Political Limerick

There once was a girl from Alaska
who’d wink, lie, and lambast-ya
she saw Putin’s head
so south promptly fled
Presidential? Idaho, I ’ll ask-a!

SPD Bad Poetry Contest: Worst Poem Using the Words “Gull,” “Zephyr,” and “Persephone”

SPD's AWP BAD POEM CONTEST
1st Prize Winner: Samuel Amadon
Category: Worst Poem Using the Words “Gull,” “Zephyr,” and “Persephone”

Totally Ashley was like, “Persephone!”

Then this Robert was like, “Zephyr!”

Of course Katherine was all like, “Gull!”

SPD Bad Poetry Contest: Worst Poem Titled “Steampunk”

SPD's AWP BAD POEM CONTEST
1st Prize Winner: Chris Vitiello
Category: Worst Poem Titled “Steampunk”

Steampunk

yeah, you open your can
of PBR while i open
my can of whup-ass

SPD Bad Poetry Contest: Worst Use of White Space Poem

SPD's AWP BAD POEM CONTEST
1st Prize Winner: Paul Baker
Category: Worst Use of White Space Poem

White Space Poem

SPD Bad Poetry Contest: Worst Poem Titled “Unicorns in Fog”

SPD's AWP BAD POEM CONTEST
1st Prize Winner: Samuel Amadon
Category: Worst Poem Titled “Unicorns in Fog”

Unicorns in Fog

One unicorn said “I can’t see you”
The other unicorn said “I can’t see you”
One unicorn said “I still can’t see you”
The other unicorn said “I still can’t see you”
One unicorn said “I can’t even see the ground”
The other unicorn said “I can’t even see the ground”

The SPD Bee-In 2010

Kevin Killian won with "contrapposto."

Big fun was had by all!

Thanks to Andrew Kenower for these excellent pix.

Thanks to our sponsors the Poetry Foundation, Rasputin Music, St George Spirits, NetRead, the Crown Point gallery and everyone involved for making this the best Bee ever!

SPD's BAD POEM CONTEST (THE SEQUEL)

WIN AN SPD BOOK! SON OF THE BAD POEM CONTEST!

Last year SPD asked AWP attendees to write bad poetry. They were great (i.e., terrible).
But we think you can do better (i.e., worse).

WE'VE EXTENDED THE DEADLINE TO FRIDAY, APRIL 23.

SPD will award the SPD book of your choice (up to $30) for the worst poem in each category. Shipping included. Please select from one of the categories below and write the worst poem you can. Send to laura (at) spdbooks (dot) org. Be sure to indicate the category the poem belongs to, and also include your name, email, and address. You may submit poems in as many of the following categories as you like:

[ ] Worst overall poem
[ ] Worst poem titled “Unicorns In Fog”
[ ] Worst poem titled “Steampunk”
[ ] Worse poem wherein the title of the poem is longer than the poem
[ ] Worst poem using the words “gull,” “zephyr,” and “Persephone”
[ ] Worst poem in the form of a Facebook status update
[ ] Worst 4-line dramatic monologue
[ ] Worst use of the exclamation point in a poem
[ ] Worst poem in which there is an epiphany in a kitchen
[ ] Worst political limerick
[ ] Worst use of white space poem
[ ] Worst Denver Broncos poem

Also, please tell us if you would rather not have your bad poem published on SPD’s blog.

Attention SAN FRANCISCO-BASED POETS

(Get famous & make $50 to boot)

AND THE WINNER IS ...


Things have been a bit hectic around here what with the Bee-In and all, but we have finally made a decision in our Poem-In-Which-Every-Word-Is-Spelled-Wrong Bee. It is a tie! In a hotly contested fight to the finish, Bhanu Kapil and Dan Thomas-Glass came in together in a dead heat of votes! We are therefore awarding not one but two $100 gift certificates -- one to Bhanu and one to Dan!

Congradualations ta yu bothe!!

Kudos should also be given to our other contestants. We will include a selection of the best wrongly spelled poems soon. There were several excellent ones. Well done poet spellers!










(Bhanu Kapil by Andrew Kenower)


POME PER MEE DORG, PORQI

by Bhanu Kapil


Porqi, cimmere yeh Bashtard: azs wi sey een der YOOKAY.
End hee Gellops farard azs hee shood.
Shame canni bee sed fer deh uver Bashtard een mee LIF:
Mee "Marn," mi "Louvre wid norbs on."*

*Thash** "gnobs," ashkually.

**Ay shound DRENK! Ay shound tertelly orf mee trimble!











(Dan Thomas-Glass by Clay Banes)


Hw th nght brks

by Dan Thomas-Glass

Hw th nght brks
nt lk dgs brk bt lk brcks,
th rd knd,
th knd Y Mng thrws p
(bfr h brk hs ft)
n th frth qrtr,
whn hs trd frm
bng mssvly lrg,
lk hs cntry hs twnty-frst cntry lrg
(Chn mthrfckrs wht),
yh the nght brks lk Y Ming brcks whn hs trd,
r lk glbl cptlsm r
Chrstn Bk’s bk n,
knd f hrd t pctr—th vwls—
r lk drvg wth Bb Crly
slmmng n th brks fr Chrsts sk!
Thts th nght brkng. Th drknss.

SPD $100 GIFT CERTIFICATE

A reminder that a cool $100 in SPD books will be awarded to the writer of the best poem in which every word is spelled wrong. So far we have only gotten entries from Great Britain. While we had heard the rumo(u)rs about Americans being dumber than Brits, we hardly credited them until now. The contest is in hono(u)r of the Bee-In, A Spelling Bee to Benefit SPD which is coming up soon on May 18th.

Come on non-British poets! Show us what you're made of!

Contest details are here.

Best Poem-In-Which-Every-Word-Is-Spelled-Wrong Bee

Write a really good poem in which every word is really badly spelled!

Win a $100 SPD Gift Certificate!

Now everyone can get in on the action that will take place May 18th at the Crown Point Gallery in San Francisco when we have our Bee-In, a Spelling Bee to Benefit SPD.

We realize that conceptual poets might have the edge in this competition, but feel that SPD readers and writers will be equal to the challenge.

Two things that are true on the internet is that no one knows you are a dog and, with very little effort, everyone can spell. Hence the challenge to misspell, but with élan!

Here’s the deal:

1. Poem can be of any length but, you know, give us a break here, man.


2. All words in the poem must be misspelled but must also be legible in some way or other.


3. SPD staff will judge the entries.


4. Email your poem to contest@spdbooks.org by May 18th, the day of the Bee-In, a Spelling Bee to Benefit SPD.

SPD Bad Poetry Contest: Worst Postmodern Lyric

SPD's AWP BAD POEM CONTEST
1st Prize Winner: James Wagner
Category: Worst Postmodern Lyric

SCEPTER, OF THE AUTODIDACT [RECALCITRANT MODE]

Fallow
tall,

risque
brocades.

Of an
unguent…

unslept
“bed.”

Where a
(toy of)

philo-
sophy

opera-
tes. Here,

{neo-
dis-}

with in/
us.

SPD Bad Poetry Contest: Worst Poem Using Chance Operations

SPD's AWP BAD POEM CONTEST
1st Prize Winner: Chris Haven
Category: Worst Poem Using Chance Operations

Store bytes wooooooooooooooo only and snow everything

Whole wooooooooooooooo they aren’t is think is know,
History house isaac into they village though.
he’s will nothing seeEEE meijer store here,
too watch history wooooooooooooooo file update with snow.

Myself litmags horse must think it’s question,
too store with a title farm near,
Better they wooooooooooooooo andy from lakes,
They dark everything off the plane??!! year.

He’s give history hard believe and shaky,
too asked ifs they isaac someone missed.
the panel only other sounds they sweet,
off easier wind andy down flat.

The panel wooooooooooooooo aren’t love, dark andy deep,
button is having profound too keep,
andy million too good before is sleeeeeeeepy,
andy million too good before is sleeeeeeeepy.

—Robin From

SPD Bad Poetry Contest: Worst Flarf Poem

SPD's AWP BAD POEM CONTEST
1st Prize Winner: Lucas Rivera
Category: Worst Flarf Poem

The Dissolution of Eric Maskin

"Because mechanism designers do not generally know which outcomes are optimal in advance, they have to proceed more indirectly than simply prescribing outcomes by fiat; in particular, the mechanisms designed must generate the information needed as they are executed."
BAUDRILLARD—from Eric Maskin's Nobel Prize Lecture

My 19th century hummingbird
probably gathered the balance of Kafka,
a miracle,
and a sack race.

Upon the accumulation of all three
the guest will call you
but my hummingbird will die.

Kafka will become a bow hunter.
A miracle will be called a shower of pink.
And a sack race is a sack race.

But how did we become this way?

We: The Real People of God. ©

SPD Bad Poetry Contest: Worst Workshop Poem

SPD's AWP BAD POEM CONTEST
1st Prize Winner: Martin Nakell
Category: Worst Workshop Poem

Spring A Fall the Sun the Moon

It was time for the sun to rise.
So, it being Spring, and dawn
the sun rose on time
making me think of death.

I looked out the window
and what did I see?
The sun rising!
But I also saw my son’s wagon
in the backyard. It wasn’t
the same wagon I had as a child
in my boyhood. But it was like
the wagon of my memory. Both
being red, I thought of my wagon,
and my boyhood, and how
it was gone and how the sun
keeps rising so inexorably
on my son as he sleeps in his boyhood bed
his passing years carrying him quickly
to manhood. I screamed at the sun:
Stop!
I smashed my hand trough
the window glass as transparent as time,
waking up my son, who came down
the stairs, teddy in arms, to say
to me, Dad, not again, Dad.

He does not learn from my age
but, perhaps I can learn
from his youth, to play in
the sunshine of this day
given to us, so that we may know
tonight how the moon will take it away.

SPD Bad Poetry Contest: Worst Poem Using the Word "Capitalism"

SPD's AWP BAD POEM CONTEST
1st Prize Winner: Nathan Logan
Category: Worst Poem Using the Word "Capitalism"

Buttering Nintendo's Bread

Capitalism = Mariokart.
Holy crap. Sometimes
you get a crappy banana
peel (item raped). But
in last place you can get
the blue tortise shell
and take out numba 1.
This is “rags to riches.”
Filming a girlfriend hoola-
hooping on Wii Fitness
and uploading it to YouTube
is reviving the patriarchy!

SPD Bad Poetry Contest: Worst Poem Intended to Lead to Sex

SPD's AWP BAD POEM CONTEST
1st Prize Winner: Christian Bök
Category: Worst Poem Intended to Lead to Sex

Putting the No in Eunoia

Hi — my name is
   Christian Bök.

Perhaps you've heard
   of me.…